Hallo! I write to you after visiting Europe for the second time in my life. As you can already tell, this trip drastically changed the way I say Hello. I say it like Germans say it now. How cultured am I?? To drive home the answer to that rhetorical question, all of my emails from […]
I am reporting to you live on August 30th. Two days after my 27th birthday. I would have written you on my birthday, but alas, I forgot my password. It took me two days to figure it out. It goes to show you that just because you get older does not mean you get smarter. […]
I recently turned 26 years old and apparently it has been a year since I have updated this blog. So in celebration of both of these things (i.e.: my negligence and my birth), I have written a BuzzFeed list of life lessons that corresponds to my age in human years. Some of these will have […]
I’m in a conversation with a lovely lady about masturbation. Her tales of vibration combined with her breast implantation lead to infatuation that quickly becomes frustration when she begins to talk about her occupation. Goodbye, excitation! I am overcome with a sensation. I need to pee. Urination. “Miss, please excuse my evacuation from this […]
This is a post about the illogical condition of depression. It is going to start with a moment in time that I consider my lowest point. This is the first time I have ever admitted that I felt this way to anyone. It gets a little sad. Then it is going to get a lot more upbeat. And we are all going to walk away from it with a valuable lesson. K? Alright. Chill.
Twas the night before Tuesday, when all thro’ the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The st… WHAM. The front door slams open and jars me awake. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. The doorbell sounds an unnecessary number of times. It is official, I am awake. “WHERE ARE […]
Thump, thump, thump. “Fuuuuck.” I declare as I slowly pull off on to the side of the freeway. When you get a flat tire, you go through the five classic stages of grief. Step 1: Denial I don’t have a flat tire. I am just going to keep driving. You drive an extra mile even […]
We join our hero in the heart of the cubicle jungle. He is “freaking the fuck out”: My heart is beating out of my chest. My mind refuses to stop thinking. Time seems to slow to a crawl. I throw in my headphones as quickly as I can. This is my M.O. When the world […]